She destroyed me but I can't go over her

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  • Hello. Nearly two months ago, my married woman left me. Nosotros had been together for six years, married for three.

    We accept ii daughters together, anile two and 4. For the final xviii months or and so of the relationship, things went downhill. She told me back in Nov 2019 that she no longer loved me and ever since then, we've been quite distant. I've slept on the sofa for the all-time part of 2 years (her choice) and we never enjoyed any time together. Sexually we hadn't been close (not even holding hands, cuddling or a kiss) for about ii years either.

    The trouble is, she has taken the girls with her (she moved into her mum'due south) and isn't letting me run into them, other than the odd hour here and there, only only round her mum'southward where either her or her mum supervises. In that location is no reason for this to happen, I've always been a very hands on parent and honey those girls so much. It has got to the point where I accept a solicitor helping me to try and get access and a courtroom appointment has been arranged just that'southward not until after Christmas.

    About a calendar week before she left me, she was seen on tinder and many other dating apps by a friend of mine. Since she has left, I know that she has been seeing guys, which hurts me and so much, despite the fact she has destroyed me in the manner she has treated me in regards to the girls. I've even been round at that place recently (she wasn't at that place, her mum was though) and establish, in the living room (which is where her and the girls are sleeping currently) a bag with sex toys (electronic wands, *****, things designed for couples and many other toys) aswell equally kinky outfits and lingerie etc. When we were together, and earlier all our troubles started, she would take never had things like these, she was always besides shy and uncomfortable with that kind of matter. We rarely even had sex when we were at our best times! So she's gone from that, to now seemingly being very sexually confident and "out there". I'chiliad non certain why, but I can't get this out of my head and feel really upset about it. Why is her new bloke so much ameliorate than me and why is she so much closer to him already than she ever was with me? I've ever loved her, and I really wish I didn't.

    She'southward even told me that her and the girls are moving I to a new place soon, only she isn't going to tell me where or when they move.  I'm such a mess, existence abode all the fourth dimension, by myself is horrible. The atmosphere hasn't been skillful here for quite some time, but I tin can't bare the thought of being alone forever, peculiarly when she's already moving on and is happier than whenever was with me.

    I don't know if she'southward just going through a stage and it won't last (she'south always had mental wellness bug and I tin't see her being so happy for long) merely it just feels similar my heart is being ripped out constantly!

    Whatever advice etc would be very much appreciated.

    Thanks, Ryan

    hello Ryan,

    this is hard and I tin can see why you are struggling. There are 3 unlike issues you lot need to address.

    You need to accept your own life into your ain easily. Instead of reacting to the "I don't love you any more" argument, you retreated to the sofa and permit things get out of hand. How did you communicate your feelings and where are your boundaries? Why did you not stand up upwardly and cleared the mist?

    It doesn't matter how she lives out her sexuality as she made it clear, you are of no involvement to her. She didn't want to share her feelings with yous and that was made clear to you. Yous just chose not to react to it. Then why are y'all doing it at present? I would like to answer these questions to myself if I were in your shoes.

    Same with the children. You retreat and accept what you get. Isn't there more you can exercise for your children than just watching them being taken out of your life and them watching their male parent being taken out of their lives?

    This isn't a dream and there will be no magic wand to make the happy e'er after. You need to wake upwards and take control of your life. I y'all don't fight for yourself, who do you think will?

    This may sound harsh but what you need in my opinion is some wake-up call.  Yous are kicked in the teeth and all you intendance for is, how does the shoe feel nearly this. If that is what y'all desire, then fine. Otherwise, practise something against it.

    Cheers for your reply sirtoby.

    I retrieve my issue with the "I don't dearest you" statement, was that I was practically in denial, fifty-fifty when we were at rock bottom I always thought that we'd exist ok. Everyday I would endeavour and talk to her and she would ever push me away and non desire to talk.  But I always loved her and couldn't blank the thought of her leaving, then I tried to bury away in my listen.

    In regards to the children, I have got a solicitor and the court proceedings have been arranged, in that location's non much more than I can practice, every bit I keep asking to come across the girls, only I tin can't be too forceful (the advice I've been given) then it'southward a bit of a waiting game and taking whatsoever scraps I get given for now.

    I but hate the thought of her having a new partner who will potentially become a new male parent figure to my children. She seems so desperate suddenly to run across someone and seems desperate for sex, which she has never been bothered nearly earlier, even when we were at our best times, I just don't sympathize the sudden change in her mental attitude e'er since she left.  I experience like she used me to have children, as it was after our 2d was built-in that she inverse her attitude towards me.  I felt secure and stable in our family life, with the children running around and even though we weren't getting on very well, my married woman existence here aswell, everything seemed and then.. normal. But at present it's all gone and I can't get used to the empty abode, knowing that my wife is sleeping with other men and my children aren't with me. Everything that I beloved has gone and it's breaking me!

    The thing that I don't become, is how she has changed completely all of a sudden. She used to be quite a shy, nervous girl (she'southward ever had mental health issues which take been quite bad at times, and her anxiety has ever been an issue, to the point where she couldn't answer a phone, talk to a stranger or even stride foot exterior). And then she has gone from that, to the complete opposite. She's e'er said how she hates people who slumber around and hates it even more when mum'south go around meeting unlike men.  She'south yet on dating sites constantly. She is honestly a totally different person to the serenity, respectful (well, in the past!), Family oriented person that I accept always known her to exist, and now all of a sudden seems drastic for sex activity and meeting multiple men. Why the sudden change?? Yes I'1000 jealous, I won't hibernate the fact, even though we haven't got shut for two years, but it really does hurt. Nosotros are still married, she's my wife, why couldn't she give me the attention that she's giving these other men? I proceed thinking of our good times together, albeit years ago, and wondering where it all went wrong. For a while, my life was perfect, everything that I've ever dreamed of (having a loving wife and children) had come true and I was set for life. Now my wife is sleeping with other men, my children take gone and information technology's going to have months to get them back, and I'm habitation alone, lonely and can't see any way of life improving!!

    How-do-you-do Brokenman

    I am experiencing a very like state of affairs. Main difference is I've been left with 2 young children. She has moved in with her thing partner and I have good evidence from online orders that the relationship involves toys, lingerie etc. Throughout over 15 years she never showed any interest in this stuff and actually, similar yous say, was never specially obsessed with the physical side of the relationship. Of grade we had our moments pre-kids simply I felt we knew each other inside out and that wasn't a big affair.

    All I can suggest, is that it's another feature of the escapism. My soon to be ex wife was finding diverse aspects of life hard. Some of them completely understandable and non her ain fault, others we should take both spotted years back and done something about. But nosotros didn't and that'southward that. I cannot ever excuse her deportment over past 6 months of an affair merely looking at the context in which it happened, she found an escape. Something heady that released a chemical striking nosotros hadn't had together for years. The sex stuff I recall is all part of that imitation reality. And it is simulated. Life isn't like the story books she and I read every bit a child. There's times when it is just incredibly tough and hard work. Demanding little people and dying quondam people, plus challenging employment situations puts a strain on you and your relationship.

    She'd had plenty. And I believe nosotros all have things we fall dorsum on when down. Some proficient and healthy, others bad and destructive. I believe some people accept a vulnerability to this blazon of escape – new romantic relationships. Others, similar me, start smoking again or any your vice is.

    Promise to hear from you again. I'm 6 weeks into this and tonight can't sleep and browsing this forum came beyond your story.

    I believe at some point your wife will hit a point and realise what she'south done. Just like me, I'd expect it's all too late because of the destruction information technology'due south left. Simply at least you lot'll see it was all a big escape from her unhappiness.

    Cheers for your reply lonelydad2boys. Information technology's getting silly now, I'm literally sitting here, at 2:10am thinking. I can't help simply constantly thinking nearly it. She used to be asleep by x, but nowadays she's upward till 4am most nights, she really is a new person. I really promise she is simply going through a phase. We didn't even have sex on our honeymoon! So she's gone from that, to what she's doing now. Admittedly she did say a few weeks ago about how we had drifted apart and virtually how we never fifty-fifty had sex etc, but the fact she told me 2 years ago to sleep on the sofa told me that she wasn't into me, so it'due south not all my fault. Whenever I tried cuddling her, she would push me away, if I put my paw on her she would tell me to get off her, so how could I ever look to make moves on her sexually?! It's like our whole relationship was a complete lie and the person I married isn't who I idea she was. She used to moan about people who acted the mode she is now and used to say that she'd detest to e'er be like them (sleeping around, putting sex above anything else, diving into bed with someone equally presently every bit the relationship end etc). I just don't empathize what she'southward doing and why she'due south doing it. The girl I married was a tranquility, respectful, loyal girl who respected herself and others, was kind, caring and the consummate contrary of desperate. Just now, she is the total opposite. I admit to being incredibly jealous, as what she's doing with all these other people, she should exist doing with me. That should exist our life, not hers and other men. She's yet my wife for at present. When I asked her to ally me, I wanted her for life. When nosotros said our vows, I meant them for life. And now, just three years afterwards, she's sleeping with other men, Galen our children and I'm stuck at home alone, getting more and more depressed and upset, while she is getting happier, more confident, more fun and having the all-time time of her life. I tin can't see things improving, and can only see her getting more outgoing and I'm going to have to alive my life seeing her get stronger and happier while she'southward seeing other people. Why did she push me aside and wait two years, and at present suddenly she leaves and is all over these new men? I continue trying to think of a specific moment which could take started all this, I'll admit I've non been the perfect husband and take fabricated mistakes, we all do, only if at that place's just one affair that I've e'er done which has fabricated our life turn upside down like this, and so I'll never forgive myself. I actually can't bare the idea of her existence with someone else, my children being around them similar he'south their new dad and I'thousand all lone forever watching from the sides. It's terrifying me. It'due south almost similar I feel ashamed to exist alone while she'southward with someone new. Like she'south laughing at me while she'south having her best life and I'yard simply broken. I never imagined being unmarried again, family life is all I've ever dreamt of, and ever since I've known her, I always wanted my life to exist with her and our children. How tin I ever movement on from this, similar she clearly has? Some people have told me that they think she'll act the way she is for 3/four months and so crash and her mental health issues will come back to the fore. Plus she was so ascendant in the relationship, controlling me in nigh all aspects of life and her mother was the same with me, then I can't really encounter many other blokes sticking effectually one time those traits start to reappear, which I'yard sure they will at some point!

    Once again information technology sounds similar to my situation. A new personality most. A couple of people have said to me that she's having a crisis (were early on 40s, so 'midlife' fits).

    Thinking about what our wives are upto is a natural reaction but it's really not a healthy one. We have to move on and focus on making ourselves ameliorate people. I really do feel for you because at to the lowest degree with my 2 boys asleep in the bedroom next door I know they've got the best role model around them and I get strength from that. It sounds like you've done the right thing and got the courts involved. You lot're going to have to sit tight until then and keep your absurd. Something I've been struggling with is the overwhelming feeling of wanting to get revenge and hurt them. But that'due south over again an unhealthy knee jerk reaction. Much ameliorate to play the long game and you volition end up being the better person. Feels hard correct now though doesn't it! Also, I have comfort from knowing my boys will eventually detect her for the person she is. They will make their ain judgements about her and they volition call up who stayed at-home and respectful throughout this whole ordeal. I'1000 sure you lot will discover the same.

    To be clear: I hateful get revenge on wife and her new partner!

    "I'm stuck at home solitary, getting more than and more depressed and upset, while she is getting happier, more confident, more fun and having the best time of her life."

    I completely get the bit nearly feeling stuck. In my situ with the kids ever here, that feels truthful. I have no mode of edifice new friendships and getting out to do developed things.  But on the second simply of that paragraph,  you've got to change your thinking on this. She's not living in reality. She won't be happy or confident or having best fourth dimension of her life. I bet you she's actually in a complete mess. You tin be the person to REALLY become more confident and happy, with proper foundations not the shaky ones she's building her new hereafter on. That'due south likely not to terminal and will pb her to more than pain.

    You (and I) tin rise above all that s***. It'due south early days just we can get ourselves truly healthier and stronger. I demand to become out and exercise more. I need to quit smoking which I've started since she left. I need to look for positive people out there who can help build me back to the strong person I was.

    And delight please please, don't blame yourself for the romantic stuff existence neglected. At that place's loads of things that might have contributed to that (in our case some really bad bereavements over successive years and very little help with the kids, demanding jobs… fact is nosotros became very run down. That too has a big upshot on libido and how a couple manage each other's libido). Merely none of that excuses someone breaking up a family without at least being open in discussion first and trying to understand the reasons for the relationship beingness weakened. Without that information technology shows a complete lack of respect for you and your kids.

    I literally laid awake all night pretty much, simply thinking about what she was probably getting upto.  The fact that she has changed so much, as I've said, is really getting to me. I'one thousand scared that this new person she has become will exist here to stay and that she will fall madly in love with ane of the new blokes she's talking (and more) with, and that they will spend their lives together. Why is that such a bad thought in my listen? It shouldn't impact me, only I really don't want that to happen! I hope you and others are correct when they've said that her electric current behaviour won't terminal and she'll come crashing downward, I mean, are many blokes going to want her when she'southward going through all this baggage with court cases etc?? I recollect that'd put me off if I met someone and she was in the process of court cases and solicitors regarding her children and their father?! But even if she was unmarried and not seeing someone (which isn't the case, mind), it still feels odd how she has bought all this stuff. When she was living here, for the two years of me being on the sofa, she never even "satisfied" herself (she went to bed in the room next door to the living room and the door was always open and so I'd have seen/heard) then why, afterwards all this time, is she at present of a sudden in that kind of mood?! Information technology'south got to be my fault and I've got to exist the reason why it all broke downwards and fell apart. I (in a non healthy and jealous manner, I know) want her to feel this pain that I'thousand feeling, and the just way that will happen, is if her current country of mind does shift again and she comes hurtling back downwards!

    I understand your pain. Nevertheless, I retrieve y'all've got to alter the mode y'all're thinking. Information technology volition practise yous no proficient to obsess over her and what she's upto. Your merely option is to let her to follow the path she'due south taken. You lot can't command that so you are wasting attempt and getting dragged down by stuff out of your control.

    Having said that, I know how tough it is. If I let my mind wander down that path then not merely do I sit in the evenings feeling very lonely but I also think near the fun my wife is having in forepart of a picture or in bed with her new man. BUT and then I remind myself of a few things – information technology's kittenish and selfish satisfaction over taking intendance and honey for her real family, it'southward still in a honeymoon stage and likely to end, she is in the incorrect not me. Yous have to tell yourself those things and stop your mind spiralling down a negative tunnel of useless thoughts.

    I recall your title of the thread is a good example. Information technology should be "She has tried to destroy me but I volition be stronger than her".. or something along those lines.

    best of luck

    I've been at work for the past iv hours (now on lunch suspension) and I've barely done annihilation that I've been asked to do. I honestly just go along thinking about her and trying to understand what she's doing and why. I'm diabetic and haven't even had annihilation to eat since yesterday morning as I'chiliad just feeling so down. Earlier I saw these things, I was starting to do a tiny bit improve in myself (information technology's always injure knowing she's moved on so easily, but I wasn't feeling as depression) but seeing the large toys etc has just put me correct downwards to how I was when she first left (let's say I was not in a good place then). I'm feeling similar this, and I can't snap out of it. Everything has changed with her, and I keep asking myself why she was never like that with me in our years together but now she's away from me, she's a completely different person. Information technology'south actually ripping me apart!

    How did you lot find out well-nigh those sex toys? Withal it was you need to remove. For example, I was finding out details on Facebook and twitter etc so I've temporarily deactivated all those accounts.

    You accept to have back control using the things that yous can command.

    Also, it sounds similar you need to focus on your ain health. Sorry to hear well-nigh your eating, especially given your diabetes. If you're going to fight this situation and then you demand to be strong. That doesn't need to happen overnight. Just kickoff to practise picayune things that you know you should. Bit by bit find strength.

    Accept yous tried writing downwardly all of your thoughts? If you beginning spiralling into negative thoughts virtually what your missus is upto or about family or whatever, merely write down everything that yous are thinking. I've put an app on my phone and take been doing this since August when I was told near the affair. Information technology really does assistance.

    Main thing – beginning repairing YOURSELF and end thinking about that woman!

    But read your original mail service again and notice you say the toys were in a handbag in the living room of her mums house. Obviously I don't know if you lot went looking for them or whether they were on display just I recollect you tin quite rightly tell her that she had crossed a boundary. Her choice if she wishes to engage in that sort of action (don't tell her not to) but put down a firm purlieus that they must be kept out of sight of children and you.

    Having to see the children at that house is some other outcome and I know you lot're getting legal advice on that. Only the danger is you lot are likely to see things belonging to her new life. You need a more neutral place for fourth dimension spent with the kids. Could you propose a sure room or spaces in the house that would exist kept neutral and advisable for your time in that location, together with spaces that you don't utilise where she can keep her stuff private? I dunno … just thinking out loud here and trying to discover ways of managing the s*** sandwich y'all've been served! Obviously this all depends on both parties being off-white and respectful to each other. That might be a problem in her instance but at least give her the chance I suppose.

    I think yous're obsessing over her and if information technology continues you lot're going to end upwardly doing something stupid.  I concur with what has been said most distancing yourself from her through social media etc you're making yourself ill.

    To be blunt what she gets up to is no longer any business organization of yours she tin can be servicing a football team with her sex activity toys if she wishes as long as it has no impact on the children.  As someone who has been constantly harassed past her ex husband to the bespeak if i go out and any of his friends run across me they are directly on the phone to him and he appears as well as messaging me on dating sites etc because of his obsession with me you lot need to try to cease playing things over in your caput.

    Mayhap seeing a councillor could assistance it was very helpful for me, i also proceed a diary on my phone and have establish this helpful to cease me making snap decisions because it getting it written downwardly gives me time to recollect well-nigh how i'one thousand feeling.

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